Transformational Dreams

I constantly dream of being in the water. I love the water. The second I slip into the water I become calm. I would live in the water if I could. In dreams water is said to symbolize the subconscious. I am beginning to wonder if my whole life my essential self knew who it was, but I have not heeded it's nocturnal messengers.

I am 4.5 years into the most severe depressive episode I have ever had. For the first two years I managed to work at a highly stressful career. I more often than not worked 10 hour days. Many, many times I worked much more than that. The company reorganized my division 3 times in 2 years, each time threatening to eliminate my position. While I hated the corporation I worked for, the positions I had were incredibly interesting and allowed me to be creative in many ways. However, the bureaucracy was suffocating and soul sucking.

I began feeling like I was trapped in some Kafkaesque nightmare. I wanted to do a good job, but the rules and the responsibilities kept changing. Each time I thought I understood the new direction, that direction would change. Just as I felt I was understanding my new role, they would threaten to eliminate my position. In a neurotic attempt to try to save myself I began working frantically. I worked longer hours, taking no breaks, volunteering for more projects, offering to help my co-workers with their projects.

I became terrified I was going to lose my job. Because I felt my job was "me" I became increasingly despondent. I began having constant and increasingly violent thoughts of committing suicide. I had detailed plans on how to do it, wrote notes to my family. In short It seemed like the only way I was going to get myself to leave was by killing myself. My pdoc tried for almost the whole 2 years to help me see that I needed to leave work to become well. I could not get myself to leave, no matter how bad I was feeling.

Then one day I had a dream:

I dreamt I was being chased by tons of feral cats. I ran into the house and slammed the door, but could see my cat(Blue) was stuck outside with the bad cats. So I opened the door, let Blue in, and chased the feral cats off the deck. One cat would not leave so I kicked it. It turned into an old raggedy golden haired dog as it flew off the deck.

The ground was covered in water and the dog went into the water. I went into the house, but I had not seen the dog get up. I went outside and there he was, under the water, motionless. I felt sick.

I ran off the deck, waded into the water, and lifted the dog up. She was stiff, like she was dead. I was feeling desperate, but I sensed there was life in her. I carried her onto the deck. I woke up feeling sick about what I had done.

• I felt I was the cat, the dog, and myself in the dream
• It struck me that the dog (me) did not even try to save itself
• That the dog needed to be "saved"...I had begun to feel the only way I was going to leave work was in a bodybag, or by having my pdoc tell me "LEAVE WORK NOW", or commit me.
• That the I kicked the dog (me) and just left it there at first...me hurting myself by staying at work
• That I felt desperate the dog(myself) not die...my wanting to live despite all my suicidal ideation
• That I was so very sure it was dead...I felt like my soul was dead.
• That I saved the dog...That I am the only one who could save me

My pdoc had some interesting thoughts about the dream:

• That the feral cats were all my work responsibilities chasing me, wanting a piece of me
• That running into the house was an act of taking care of myself
• That at great risk I opened the door to let Blue, the one I love, in.
• That I took a risk again when I went outside to save the dog
• That I was so incredibly compassionate toward my enemy (the dog had been one of the feral cats)
• That water is thought to symbolize the subconscious and that the dog was calm in the water and that I knew it was alive... Perhaps I knew my enemy (work) would survive without me...that I had tried to save my department, but in the end it would go on without me.

He told me he believed my dream was a transformational dream and that I was getting closer to implementing a plan to leave and take care of myself. Within three weeks of having that dream I informed my boss I was going to leave for medical reasons. I told her everything about what I had been through in the past two years. She offered to hire another person to help me. I agreed, but within weeks it became clear that was not enough. I was so ill I could not manage anything anymore.

My transformation took place three weeks later. I left work on disability and have been off for the past 2.5 years. I believe that dream, and my pdoc's insistence it was a sign of my pending transformation, triggered my giving myself permission to take that leap of faith to save my soul.