Everything doesn't seem real. My Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September. The Dr's said she did not have long to live, but I guess I never really believed she would die. She did die though, in mid-December.
I moved to her home in October to help her out and to spend time with her. I could see she was getting more ill, yet she maintained her vigour for life somehow, so I unconsciously felt she could fight this off. I wanted to believe that.
I was beside her when she passed away, yet I still feel like this is all just an awful dream. I watched as she took her last breath and held her as she died and after she died. I don't know if I will ever get that experience and the images out of my head.
I am so sad, but my meds won't let me cry. I feel so alone and empty. My Mom was my rock. She was the one I called when I was in crisis. She was unconditionally loving. I feel so lost without her.
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5 comments:
((((Aqua))))
Sorry to hear about the loss of your loving mother.
Hi Aqua. I got here from your post on James's blog.
My mother died of cancer when I was 21. And it still feels sometimes like it happened yesterday. (I am *cough* no longer 21, to say the least.)
It's strange to see someone else's words that are so close to my own experience.
I'm so sorry to hear of your own loss. I hope your tears break through the meds to let your grief out.
In sincere sympathy -
~Andi
I am so very very sorry.
I found your blog while searching for info on coyote symbolism, as the coyote has become a symbol in my life. I am bipolar, and quite familiar with the stryggle to be a functional, contributing person in a world that doesn't seem to have a niche for the mentally ill.
I am so sorry your mother isn't with you anymore. I lost my grandparents to different forms of cancer. I took my grandfather's death much better than I thought I would. But when my grandmother followed him several months later, I kept waiting to wake up from the bad dream. I've found as I go on that they come back to me in so many ways. I hope that, in time, you are able to find some peace in all you're going through.
I am so so sorry about your loss. I don't know what else to say...
May God keep you strong and bring you comfort...
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