Meaning and Purpose

I have been wondering why I have been so calm about my Mom's situation. Had you asked me how I would react to the news that my Mom was dying I would have said I could not manage it. I am actually managing remarkably well, given the circumstances. I had to call 911 last Monday because Mom became extremely ill over the period of 1-2 hours.

Turns out she had a massive infection inside her because the stent they had put in two weeks prior, to drain bile from her pancreas, had become both blocked and had dislodged. On Tuesday they put a new one in and On Saturday she was discharged from the hospital. Scared the hell out of me because she seemed fine one minute and then suddenly I was in an ambulance with Mom, she became unresponsive, and the Drs were preparing me for the worst.

My little sister flew into the city on an emergency flight and my middle sister came over too. We made a pact to help each other out through this, and through anything else life throws at any of us, when Mom dies. We were close before, but I feel safer and more connected to my sisters now than ever before.

I also believe my mood is not crashing because I feel supported and cared for by my family and my husband. My Mom is the most loving person I know, so having her around all the time has been good. Also, a few weeks ago I started taking Epival (mood stabilizer) again and I think it is flattening my mood enough for me to manage. My pdoc also gave me some Olanzapine (antipsychotic) to help me sleep/calm down....just about kills me when I take it...all the next day I am a zombie).

As I was driving today I thought of another reason my mood may be holding up...helping my Mom has given me a purpose...it is something I see as a valuable experience, and it gives me the opportunity to help someone in a really intense way. I find this very informative and will tuck the thought away for when I am ready to volunteer or work again. Doing something that makes a difference to someone else makes me feel better too.

Pancreatic Cancer

I have not posted in a while as I have really been struggling with the outcome of my Mom's emergency hospital visit. She has been told she has pancreatic cancer. The tumour is large and there is no cure or treatment for the cancer. The doctor told her the median lifespan after diagnosis is 4 months. The maximum she can expect to live is 12 months.

I feel so sad that I feel numb. I do not know how I will go on without my Mom. She is the person I turn to when in my deepest depressions. She is so supportive and absolutely accepting of everything and everyone. I love her more than I can even express. I feel so lost already and she is still here.

I have decided that the gift I am going to give my Mom is letting her know I will be okay when she goes. I was thinking about Dostoevsky's, "The Death of Ivan Illich" and how Ivan Illich in his death saw an opportunity to let others know he was okay with going. He gave them the gift of a peaceful death. Surely I can allow my Mom to die believing I can manage and have the support I need to make it though this life.