I have this recurring dream. I struggle to climb a hill or mountain. Part way up I slide down the hill and land in a lake below. It is very Sisyphusean. I guess like Sisyphus I feel condemned to roll my boulder, my treatment resistant depression, up a hill forever.
I started thinking today that maybe the dream was trying to tell me that trying to climb to the top, whether it be trying to get out of this depressive episode, or trying to achieve things in the world, or trying to obtain material goods, was not the way to the top. That I was not destined to reach the top as I have been perceiving it.
Maybe the way to succeed is to stop trying to become undepressed. To stop pressuring myself to succeed. To stop berating myself for being unable to work. To stop worrying about not achieving any kind of material status...owning my own home, having a stable, well paying job, ensuring my husband and I have a secure retirement etc. All these worries about material goods are not even about having things....they are about feeling safe. I am terrified I will be cut off disability while still desperately depressed and unable to work, and that I will subsequently end up poor and on the street. That terrifies me.
I am beginning to believe I have been wrong all along about what will make me happy, about what will provide my life the meaning I so desperately seek. Perhaps my purpose in this life is to accept my situation. Maybe it is to help others accept a chronic illness. Maybe it is teach others about chronic depression....who knows?
I remember watching the movie, "Thirteen Conversations About One Thing". In the movie there is a scene where one of the characters is suicidal. She decides to kill herself by stepping off the curb into the path of a moving car. Just as she is about to take that step she looks up and catches the eye of a stranger across the street. The man smiles at her. In that instant she steps back from the curb and decides to live.
I saw that scene and could not help but believe we are all here for a purpose. The purpose we seek to fulfil may not be some huge undertaking. I may not even be something we recognize as a purpose. It could be as simple as our smiling when another person needs a smile. Perhaps that man's whole purpose in life, his whole reason for being, was to be there at that exact time, in that exact place, and to smile and save a life.
...Aqua
About Me
- Aqua
- I am currently a lost soul on its quest for freedom. I have a mental illness; Chronic Major Depressive Disorder. My version of MDD sits somewhere in the Bipolar Spectrum, meaning my mood cycles between severe depression and then up high, very high, but not high enough to be considered hypomania. I am hoping to help myself and others who read this blog both understand this illness better and to learn something about ourselves in the process.
1 comment:
Wow, exactly. EXACTLY. You are spot on with this post. Our purpose in life can be as simple as alleviating suffering in others anyway that we can. Perhaps our "peak" is different then others. We (with biological brain disorders) are perhaps already at our peak given the struggles we have been going through. Sometimes I believe that my only reason for living is to survive life. Because I feel that in many previous lives I have opted out, suicide. We just do not know. I think that we under estimate a smile or a compliment. These things make people's day and even lives. Thank-you for this great post. You are a very specail person. I am honored to be able to get to know you.
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